Happy Mother’s Day

There are things that people don’t tell you will happen to your body when your pregnant and after you have your kids.  I can remember feeling pretty damn good about myself about 6 months into my pregnancy with #1.  One day in particular I had just got out of the shower and was slathering on my cocoa butter (what a joke) while looking at my naked self in the mirror.  Not too bad, I thought.  Then I turned around to get a look at my back-end.  Big mistake.  I dropped my Palmer’s lotion and ran crying to Keith.  “Did you see these???”  He laughed.  It looked like a cat had taken its claws, started at my crack and scratched outwards to the sides of my cheeks.  Stretch marks.  Some how my belly, boobs and hips had been spared but my huge ass, not so much.  What no one told me though is that they fade and become a crazy iridescent color that can only be seen now with a black light. 

There are not many things that I have ever felt like I could do well.  I had an alright job and made alright money but nothing too spectacular (besides marrying Keith!).  It wasn’t until I had Clint (and Jack was 23 months) old that I felt it.  It’s hard to explain but the scene in Coal Miner’s Daughter when DoLittle says to Lorrettey (after having their 5th child) “I think we finally found something you know how to do girl” is what I felt like.

Don’t get me wrong.  It is not easy.  In fact it’s crazy hard a lot of the time.  The only thing I can point to that has kept me from pulling  “A Marie Osmond” (getting in my car and just driving off) is humor.  There is no way you’re going to make it unless you are willing to laugh at yourself and your crazy kids.  I think that came from my mom.  I have come to realize that my mom spent most of our childhood f-ing with us.  I would ask her why I had a cast on my leg when I was a baby and she would say in a really straight face “that’s because I threw you up in the air and forgot to catch you” or tell us wonderful stories about how she adopted us from aliens.  While frightening at the time I can see how hilarious it must have been for her.  Seriously, staying home all day with kids can make you lose your shit, so I am not mad at the threats of being stripped naked and put on the porch for everyone to see (this is actually something that she did to her little sister) or the one where you say “mom I am hungry” and then she says “I am mommy nice to meet you hungry” or

Me: “what are we having for dinner?

Mom: “food”

Me: “what kind”.

Mom: “the kind you eat”

and this could go for at least 30 minutes.  While aggravating as hell I can’t help but do the same things to my kids.  Yes it makes them crazy but is pretty damn funny.  I have even come up with my own.

Clint: “I want a popsicle for dinner”

Me: “Well I want my body from 1994 back but that’s not going to happen either”

I guess one of the best things my mom could have handed down to me was her humor.  There were times in our life when most people would have given up completely but my mom had the “scratch your ass and get glad” type of attitude that I think saved us.  So I am thanking you mom for telling me to eat all of my greens because “it’ll make your babies born naked”.  Imagine my shock when Jack did not come out with a turtleneck and corduroy pants on.

Happy Mother’s Day!